Throughout life COMMUNICATION is so very important. Communication has many facets. To truly communicate you have to be able to know how to express yourself (this include choose your words careful - say what you mean and mean what you say) but you also need to know how to listen. You may hear the words but are you truly listening? You listen with more senses than just your ears - you may have to use your eyes, your heart, your mind, your soul and/or your experience. You need to know when to respond, when to ask question, when to help and when to be silent. Well.....sometimes your silence is actual silence while other times it is merely an acknowledgment that you are listening.
Anyway, through the process of CARING FOR YOUR PARENTS it is very important that you not only keep the lines of communication open with your parents but also with other family members.
Just because one (or perhaps more) person may take the lead or be more readily available to care for your parents this does not necessarily mean that you should take on the responsibility or burden of all decisions and/or all discussions.
Before making a decision regarding your parents, make sure you discuss the situation with other family members before actually making the decisions. This will save time and heart ache later on.
For example, when each of my parents were very sick, I always discussed their situation with my brother (even though he lived many miles away). I had was here with them and I had the legal powers but I felt I should still communicate with him regarding OUR parents. I felt this took some of the pressure and stress off of me as well as kept him informed.
I had the advantages and disadvantages of living nearby. I had the advantage of being able to see them often but had the disadvantage of having to see (firsthand) their health decline. It was very painful to watch. I had the disadvantage of seeing them immediate when they passed but also had the advantage of being able to be with them as they passed.
Anyway, my brother was not able to be here due to his own family obligations (at one point his wife was in the hospital) so I wanted to help him through those times. I know how I deal with guilt even though I might not have any reason to feel guilty so I wanted to help ease guilt he may have had (he could not be in two places at one time - he was where he needed to be at the time). I wanted him to feel a part of the process. This is where communication was helpful for all of us. It helped us to have someone to share with and get support from. It also helped with the healing process.
Communication - it is not over rated.
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Fraud - If it is too good to be true........just say NO!
While writing this blog so many thoughts are rushing through my mind. Unfortunately they are not necessarily rushing back in order of events. That is the story of my life. I can (eventually) finish a project but generally not without several detours. For example: when cleaning - I will start in one room and find something in that room that belongs in another. I take that item to the correct room then either stop along the way to do something else (eventually making it to my original destination) or begin cleaning that room.....until.......well, you get the point.
Okay now back to my stories of FRAUD. There are several cases of fraud that happened to my parents. Each leading to a lives being changed.
YARD WORK - My parents lived in a log cabin (well, the front part was an original log cabin) set back off a main road. A man had apparently been watching the goings on of cars and activity around my parents house. One day this man came to my parents door stating that he noticed that their grass was tall and that some bushes were overgrown. He would be glad to help them out for a fee and if he could use their lawn mowers. They agreed and gave him the keys to the riding lawn mower and a few dollars for gas. He said that it was too late to begin that night but that he would start early the next day.
Well, sometime during the night, the man came back to my parents house and took their riding lawn mower (the other was bolted). He never returned.
My parents called the police. Unfortunately the police were 99.9% sure of who took it (he had a history of taking advantage of people) but there was no real proof and they were not sure where he was. He was good about evading the law.
NEW ROOF - A different man came knocking on my parents door to say that he was a roofer and noticed that their roof needed repair. He said he was going to house to check out roofs then knocking on doors to offer his services. He gave my parents a quote. It seems reasonable however he would need all of the money up front. He said that he would ride with my mom to the bank and wait outside (he even suggested where she park - out of the view of outside video cameras). He said he had to have cash (I never found out what he said to make them believe he needed to have cash but he was clever). My mom withdrew $4000 of their hard earned money and gave it to this man. Very pleased he said he would start immediately the next day and that the job would be finished within a short period of time.
Well, as you can guess that man was never seen or heard from again. My parents were very intelligent but as they got older and suffered strokes, their reasoning process became cloudy with certain issues. They trusted when they should not have. They said yes when they should have said NO.
MOTORIZED SCOOTER - This one really got me upset for a few reasons. A seemingly reputable company sold my parents a motorized scooter even seeing that they already had one in the house. Okay let me set the scene. Their yard was large but extremely uneven. They had a gravel and dirt driveway. Their house was located on a main (busy traffic) road without sidewalks. The nearest store was at least a mile plus away. Their house was a combination of built rooms. The front part of the house was an original log cabin which had several different additions made over the years. What this meant was that there were step downs/ups, uneven floor surfaces, door jams, and irregular paths through the house (they had a lot of furniture which made it a challenge to move around the house). Any intelligent and honest person could tell that a scooter would not be able to be used in the house. NOTE: the other scooter ended being a storage place for pillows and blankets - it had only been used.....well, never). Well, the salesperson still sold my parents two scooters for about $4000 or $5000. He said he would follow up with Medicare for them but never did which left them with a purchase of these scooters that were impossible to be used in or out of their home.
It took a long time (about 2 years) but I filed a grievance on their behalf and won the arbitration. The company took the unused scooters back and refunded my parents their money.
I, unfortunately, was not aware of any of the incidents until it was too late. Deals had been made. The scooter incident happened before the roof one. I thought it was an isolated case but once the roof fraud happened I spoke with my parents about their letting me help them manage their finances. I took possession of the checkbook, debit cards, and charge cards and left them with only a small amount of cash (on hand). Since neither of them drove it did not seem to be a big deal. I was usually the one with them whenever they needed/wanted to spend money.
It was a lot of work but I did not want to see them lose any more money from dishonest people.
How dare people take advantage of such nice people.
Okay now back to my stories of FRAUD. There are several cases of fraud that happened to my parents. Each leading to a lives being changed.
YARD WORK - My parents lived in a log cabin (well, the front part was an original log cabin) set back off a main road. A man had apparently been watching the goings on of cars and activity around my parents house. One day this man came to my parents door stating that he noticed that their grass was tall and that some bushes were overgrown. He would be glad to help them out for a fee and if he could use their lawn mowers. They agreed and gave him the keys to the riding lawn mower and a few dollars for gas. He said that it was too late to begin that night but that he would start early the next day.
Well, sometime during the night, the man came back to my parents house and took their riding lawn mower (the other was bolted). He never returned.
My parents called the police. Unfortunately the police were 99.9% sure of who took it (he had a history of taking advantage of people) but there was no real proof and they were not sure where he was. He was good about evading the law.
NEW ROOF - A different man came knocking on my parents door to say that he was a roofer and noticed that their roof needed repair. He said he was going to house to check out roofs then knocking on doors to offer his services. He gave my parents a quote. It seems reasonable however he would need all of the money up front. He said that he would ride with my mom to the bank and wait outside (he even suggested where she park - out of the view of outside video cameras). He said he had to have cash (I never found out what he said to make them believe he needed to have cash but he was clever). My mom withdrew $4000 of their hard earned money and gave it to this man. Very pleased he said he would start immediately the next day and that the job would be finished within a short period of time.
Well, as you can guess that man was never seen or heard from again. My parents were very intelligent but as they got older and suffered strokes, their reasoning process became cloudy with certain issues. They trusted when they should not have. They said yes when they should have said NO.
MOTORIZED SCOOTER - This one really got me upset for a few reasons. A seemingly reputable company sold my parents a motorized scooter even seeing that they already had one in the house. Okay let me set the scene. Their yard was large but extremely uneven. They had a gravel and dirt driveway. Their house was located on a main (busy traffic) road without sidewalks. The nearest store was at least a mile plus away. Their house was a combination of built rooms. The front part of the house was an original log cabin which had several different additions made over the years. What this meant was that there were step downs/ups, uneven floor surfaces, door jams, and irregular paths through the house (they had a lot of furniture which made it a challenge to move around the house). Any intelligent and honest person could tell that a scooter would not be able to be used in the house. NOTE: the other scooter ended being a storage place for pillows and blankets - it had only been used.....well, never). Well, the salesperson still sold my parents two scooters for about $4000 or $5000. He said he would follow up with Medicare for them but never did which left them with a purchase of these scooters that were impossible to be used in or out of their home.
It took a long time (about 2 years) but I filed a grievance on their behalf and won the arbitration. The company took the unused scooters back and refunded my parents their money.
I, unfortunately, was not aware of any of the incidents until it was too late. Deals had been made. The scooter incident happened before the roof one. I thought it was an isolated case but once the roof fraud happened I spoke with my parents about their letting me help them manage their finances. I took possession of the checkbook, debit cards, and charge cards and left them with only a small amount of cash (on hand). Since neither of them drove it did not seem to be a big deal. I was usually the one with them whenever they needed/wanted to spend money.
It was a lot of work but I did not want to see them lose any more money from dishonest people.
How dare people take advantage of such nice people.
Powers of Attorney, Wills, etc.
Decisions regarding powers of attorney, wills, illness, death, etc. can be very uncomfortable but it does not need to be impossible.
My husband and I bought our house a long time ago. I was 25 and he was 30. We were many years away from having to have the need to all of the above or were we. Hopefully we would not really need any of the above but it was a perfect time to take care of those legal decisions while we were young and less stressed. We had our wills made so we were done (for the time being).
After our son was born, we need to update our wills to provide for his future well being. We designated a legal guardian, if needed, and appointed an executor. Okay now we were really done, right? Wrong.
As our parents got older we realized that we all need to update our wills and add additional legal documents. We started with the parents. While they were still in somewhat reasonable health we talked about powers of attorney to handle not only financial needs/obligations but healthcare in the event they were not able to handle things themselves. This got us all to think about our futures and what we wanted for ourselves. This made it less uncomfortable because we all were talking about having the same legal documents prepared regardless of our ages.
So we all did the following: Updated our wills which included appointing executors and alternate executors. Having general power of attorney documents drawn, also with alternates. DNR and Living Wills - the DNR is DO NOT RESUSCITATE is important because when it is needed you are not able to speak for yourself. The Living Will also lets you make decisions about your healthcare should you not be able to speak. Do you want to be on life support? Do you want a feeding tube?......etc. Healthcare Power of Attorney - I am not sure if all States or hospitals require this document but we needed it when decisions needed to be made of behalf of our parents health care. Now (at least we hope) all of the necessary documents have been prepared. One more things - some States also require that some documents be recorded through a local Deed of Records Office.
The next step was to make sure that each power of attorney appointee was aware of where the original and copies are located and any and all necessary files, keys, names/addresses/phone numbers of important contacts, etc.
Wishes were made known and documented.
Believe me - this made some otherwise (well, actually still difficult) difficult decisions easier when the time arose. When my parents were very sick, I knew their wishes. When they were dying, I knew their wishes. Stating them to the doctors was still hard but knowing that this is what they wanted was comforting.
Do not delay these discussions - have them as soon as possible and get them legally documented.
My husband and I bought our house a long time ago. I was 25 and he was 30. We were many years away from having to have the need to all of the above or were we. Hopefully we would not really need any of the above but it was a perfect time to take care of those legal decisions while we were young and less stressed. We had our wills made so we were done (for the time being).
After our son was born, we need to update our wills to provide for his future well being. We designated a legal guardian, if needed, and appointed an executor. Okay now we were really done, right? Wrong.
As our parents got older we realized that we all need to update our wills and add additional legal documents. We started with the parents. While they were still in somewhat reasonable health we talked about powers of attorney to handle not only financial needs/obligations but healthcare in the event they were not able to handle things themselves. This got us all to think about our futures and what we wanted for ourselves. This made it less uncomfortable because we all were talking about having the same legal documents prepared regardless of our ages.
So we all did the following: Updated our wills which included appointing executors and alternate executors. Having general power of attorney documents drawn, also with alternates. DNR and Living Wills - the DNR is DO NOT RESUSCITATE is important because when it is needed you are not able to speak for yourself. The Living Will also lets you make decisions about your healthcare should you not be able to speak. Do you want to be on life support? Do you want a feeding tube?......etc. Healthcare Power of Attorney - I am not sure if all States or hospitals require this document but we needed it when decisions needed to be made of behalf of our parents health care. Now (at least we hope) all of the necessary documents have been prepared. One more things - some States also require that some documents be recorded through a local Deed of Records Office.
The next step was to make sure that each power of attorney appointee was aware of where the original and copies are located and any and all necessary files, keys, names/addresses/phone numbers of important contacts, etc.
Wishes were made known and documented.
Believe me - this made some otherwise (well, actually still difficult) difficult decisions easier when the time arose. When my parents were very sick, I knew their wishes. When they were dying, I knew their wishes. Stating them to the doctors was still hard but knowing that this is what they wanted was comforting.
Do not delay these discussions - have them as soon as possible and get them legally documented.
Make foods and drinks more interesting
Sometimes aging/ill parents (or other family members) do not have much of an interest in eating and/or are on a restrictive diet. Although the older we get we may (or may not) not need as much food as we once did (due to lack of physical activity) however getting the proper nurishment is still important and staying hydrated is equally (perhaps more) important.
A former co-worker was telling me about how her mother was only able to eat soft foods but she was not interesting in eating those foods because they were boring. One of the foods she was allowed to eat was oatmeal. My suggestion was to add some color to make it more visually appealing. A little bit of food coloring could be used to change the color of the entire bowl of oatmeal or to draw designs - you could also use a cookie cutter gently placed on top of the oatmeal as a template for making a design. Another suggestion was to use either a touch of sprinkles like used on sugar cookies or toppings for ice cream. If permitted, just a few chocolate (or other flavor) chips also would enhance the food. This would also work for grits or cream of wheat.
She was also allowed (occasionally) to have pancakes. I suggested making them into fun shapes either free-handed or using a cookie cutter. The pancakes could also be topped with the items mentioned above.
Making food more visually appealing can make eating (even the same things over and over again) more fun.
If there is not a restrictive diet but someone still finds eating boring. Here are some more tricks/tips: Use colorful plates/bowls (even if they are paper or plastic). Use uniquely shaped plates/bowls. Use colorful napkins and flatware. Make every meal an event or a party.
Staying hydrated is also very important. Not being hydrated can lead to fatigue which can eventually lead to other ailments and/or hospitalizations.
Tricks or tips......Very often people forget to drink because they are not thirsty. We need to drink BEFORE we actually get thirsty. One suggestion was to set an alarm clock or a timer to every hour - this is the reminder to drink. It is important to not consume too much caffeine as this can contribute to dehydration. Water is the preferred beverage but for some can be boring. Jazz things up a bit: Add a drop or two of food coloring. Used colored glassware rather than clear. Add a bit of crushed fruit into the drink or a slice on the edge of the glass.
Keeping things interesting avoids boredom and avoids neglecting to eat and/or drink.
A former co-worker was telling me about how her mother was only able to eat soft foods but she was not interesting in eating those foods because they were boring. One of the foods she was allowed to eat was oatmeal. My suggestion was to add some color to make it more visually appealing. A little bit of food coloring could be used to change the color of the entire bowl of oatmeal or to draw designs - you could also use a cookie cutter gently placed on top of the oatmeal as a template for making a design. Another suggestion was to use either a touch of sprinkles like used on sugar cookies or toppings for ice cream. If permitted, just a few chocolate (or other flavor) chips also would enhance the food. This would also work for grits or cream of wheat.
She was also allowed (occasionally) to have pancakes. I suggested making them into fun shapes either free-handed or using a cookie cutter. The pancakes could also be topped with the items mentioned above.
Making food more visually appealing can make eating (even the same things over and over again) more fun.
If there is not a restrictive diet but someone still finds eating boring. Here are some more tricks/tips: Use colorful plates/bowls (even if they are paper or plastic). Use uniquely shaped plates/bowls. Use colorful napkins and flatware. Make every meal an event or a party.
Staying hydrated is also very important. Not being hydrated can lead to fatigue which can eventually lead to other ailments and/or hospitalizations.
Tricks or tips......Very often people forget to drink because they are not thirsty. We need to drink BEFORE we actually get thirsty. One suggestion was to set an alarm clock or a timer to every hour - this is the reminder to drink. It is important to not consume too much caffeine as this can contribute to dehydration. Water is the preferred beverage but for some can be boring. Jazz things up a bit: Add a drop or two of food coloring. Used colored glassware rather than clear. Add a bit of crushed fruit into the drink or a slice on the edge of the glass.
Keeping things interesting avoids boredom and avoids neglecting to eat and/or drink.
Friday, January 29, 2010
No more driving - time to hang up the keys
How do you, as the adult child, tell one of your parents that you believe one or both of them should not drive any more? Fortunately (use this term for a lack of a better one), Dad had given up driving on his own after his stroke. I really do not remember exactly how it came about. I believe it was a natural event. My mom just automatically began driving them around so Dad did not have to. There really was no way that he would have been able to drive as he was weakened (after the stroke) and his reactions were too slow.
After Mom's stroke, I (and the rest of the family were...) was concerned about her driving so I requested (NOTE: I was really INSISTING but was sensitive enough to not make it sound that way. I chose my words carefully. Used words like "wouldn't it make YOU feel more at ease to have a professional access your driving ability".) she take a driving test with a professional. Much to my surprised she was cleared for driving. Okay, so be it. I had to trust that she would be okay.
For awhile this was true but then it happened. Mom had two accidents within a month of each other. Although neither accident was serious (in that no one was seriously hurt) the second one did leave her car as a total loss.
In a way having the car a loss made the talk I had to have with Mom easier. Well, it was still not easy. I had to let my mother (who had been strong and independent for so many years) know that I believed it was in her best interest to no longer drive. I did not want her to feel like she was being punished so I explained to her the reasoning behind my belief.
I relied on her emotions and sensibility. I stated the obvious, that she had had two accidents within a short period of time and although we believed the second one was really not her fault she was charged. I asked her how would she feel if she and Dad were in the car and one of both of them got hurt or worse. I asked her how she would feel if she caused someone else's injuries or death. I SUGGESTED to her that it would be in their best interest if she no longer drove and assured her that I (or someone else) would be available to take them to appointments, to the grocery store, for outtings, etc.
This was an easy decision (on my part) but not the easiest of conversations to have. But it went surprisingly well. They both respected the outcome and were very gracious in their acceptance.
After Mom's stroke, I (and the rest of the family were...) was concerned about her driving so I requested (NOTE: I was really INSISTING but was sensitive enough to not make it sound that way. I chose my words carefully. Used words like "wouldn't it make YOU feel more at ease to have a professional access your driving ability".) she take a driving test with a professional. Much to my surprised she was cleared for driving. Okay, so be it. I had to trust that she would be okay.
For awhile this was true but then it happened. Mom had two accidents within a month of each other. Although neither accident was serious (in that no one was seriously hurt) the second one did leave her car as a total loss.
In a way having the car a loss made the talk I had to have with Mom easier. Well, it was still not easy. I had to let my mother (who had been strong and independent for so many years) know that I believed it was in her best interest to no longer drive. I did not want her to feel like she was being punished so I explained to her the reasoning behind my belief.
I relied on her emotions and sensibility. I stated the obvious, that she had had two accidents within a short period of time and although we believed the second one was really not her fault she was charged. I asked her how would she feel if she and Dad were in the car and one of both of them got hurt or worse. I asked her how she would feel if she caused someone else's injuries or death. I SUGGESTED to her that it would be in their best interest if she no longer drove and assured her that I (or someone else) would be available to take them to appointments, to the grocery store, for outtings, etc.
This was an easy decision (on my part) but not the easiest of conversations to have. But it went surprisingly well. They both respected the outcome and were very gracious in their acceptance.
The signs were there but....
The signs were there but not always seen. In December of 2000, Mom fell off of a step ladder while getting Christmas decorations from the top of a closet. She fractured her leg in several places and was in the hospital for awhile. She returned home in wheelchair - she was in it for about 5-6 weeks. This was a sign - but it was chalked up to "just an accident".
Over the years, Mom had a couple of car accidents - definite sign but still not fully recognized to the fullest. After the second accident Mom no longer drove (more about this under another TITLE). Life took another change.
Mom' s stroke happened in 2001; by 2004 Mom was beginning to slow down. She had been going strong for so long and pushed herself to do what she could. Then it was decided that Mom and Dad needed some additional (other than from me) help during the day. A very nice woman was hired to help Mom and Dad with meals, laundry, light housework and day to day activities.
But then it happened.....a clear and definite sign that could not be overlooked.
There was a small fire at my parents' house. Mom put the fire out but did not call 911. Perhaps some may not see the harm in that but after having seen the damage to the floor, the wall and a chair 911 probably should have been called. All too often a fire is seemingly put out only to reignite. Fortunately this did not happen but it could have. Had it happened there is no way Mom would have been able to help Dad get out of the house. She may or may not have been able to get herself out of the house.
This is when it was obvious that my parents could not stay in their house for any length of time without assistance nearby. Unfortunately hiring someone to be there 24/7 was not possible so they had to move to an assisted living (see separate TITLE for more details). Wow, what a life changing time.
Over the years, Mom had a couple of car accidents - definite sign but still not fully recognized to the fullest. After the second accident Mom no longer drove (more about this under another TITLE). Life took another change.
Mom' s stroke happened in 2001; by 2004 Mom was beginning to slow down. She had been going strong for so long and pushed herself to do what she could. Then it was decided that Mom and Dad needed some additional (other than from me) help during the day. A very nice woman was hired to help Mom and Dad with meals, laundry, light housework and day to day activities.
But then it happened.....a clear and definite sign that could not be overlooked.
There was a small fire at my parents' house. Mom put the fire out but did not call 911. Perhaps some may not see the harm in that but after having seen the damage to the floor, the wall and a chair 911 probably should have been called. All too often a fire is seemingly put out only to reignite. Fortunately this did not happen but it could have. Had it happened there is no way Mom would have been able to help Dad get out of the house. She may or may not have been able to get herself out of the house.
This is when it was obvious that my parents could not stay in their house for any length of time without assistance nearby. Unfortunately hiring someone to be there 24/7 was not possible so they had to move to an assisted living (see separate TITLE for more details). Wow, what a life changing time.
Life change with a stroke
Taking the first steps for caring for your (aging) parents may or may not come naturally and may or may not occur suddenly or slowly. I guess mine was a progression. My dad had had a stroke in the late 1990's. Although he made a recovery it did leave him weakened and unable to do many of the things he used to do; one of which was driving. Mom and Dad fairly well for years after Dad's stroke. Mom's motto used "use it or lose it" so she kept active.
Then life changed. Mom had surgery to prevent a stroke (basically she went into the hospital relatively healthy considering all......but came out a different person) but ended up having a stroke. Despite the mention that we believed she had had a stroke, she was released from the hospital.
The next day it was obvious that she had had a stroke. She was not able to see things on her left side. Her speech was slurred and she kept repeating herself. So back to the hospital.
Surprise.....it was determined she had had a stroke. She had to undergo more surgery, more tests and about 6 weeks of rehab.
Mom made a decent recovery (to the amazement of the doctors) and was able to return home and eventually resume many of day to day routines.
Then life changed. Mom had surgery to prevent a stroke (basically she went into the hospital relatively healthy considering all......but came out a different person) but ended up having a stroke. Despite the mention that we believed she had had a stroke, she was released from the hospital.
The next day it was obvious that she had had a stroke. She was not able to see things on her left side. Her speech was slurred and she kept repeating herself. So back to the hospital.
Surprise.....it was determined she had had a stroke. She had to undergo more surgery, more tests and about 6 weeks of rehab.
Mom made a decent recovery (to the amazement of the doctors) and was able to return home and eventually resume many of day to day routines.
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