In your heart - I LOVE YOU. Three words combination.
My parents were married for over 63 years. But basically had know each other their entire lives. They met when they were about 5 or 6. The married when they were 20 when my dad was in the war (WWII).
My parents REALLY loved each other. I have known such a strong and beautiful love. Even when my dad was missing in the war (he was a POW), my mom never gave up hope. She believed he was alive and kept their love alive.
Telling my mother that my father had passed away was probably the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Mom wailed and cried. She could not believe what she was hearing. "What am I going to do?"
Somewhat we had to help my mom get through each day. There was no way she was going to get over losing my dad - her husband, the love of her life but we had to help her try to get each day.
Before dad passed away he became non-verbal. Mom came up with her own type of sign language. She had decided that whenever she wanted to tell my dad she loved him, she would hold three fingers over her heart. The three fingers meant I LOVE YOU. I thought this was so smart of her.
After dad passed mom wanted to be with him - it was not so much that she wanted to die as she did not want to live without him. She wanted to be with her husband.
To try to help her. we let her know that when the time was right she would be with him and that the reason she did not go then was because it would have been too hard for their children to lose both parents at the same time. We also told her that dad was probably getting things ready for her for some time in the future.
Mom wanted to believe that dad could hear her. We told her that dad would always be in our hearts and that all she had to do was put her three fingers over her heart and dad would know that she loves him.
Three powerful words - I LOVE YOU.
Saturday, January 30, 2010
In Their Own Words
Time goes by so quickly. We have good intentions to do this and that but too often we do not follow through.
When our first born is here we take pictures of every move they make. We record every breathe make or every sound they make. We want to capture every new moment for no other child has every done "whatever" as early or as well as our child. You keep a journal so you can capture things pictures cannot
Then the second or third child comes along and all of those good intentions....well, you take few pictures and record fewer words. You write less or do not even start a journal. It is NOT because you love them less it is because you are probably enjoying each moment more.
The same holds true for family moments. We have the camera right there by your side but you take only a few pictures or you never reach for it. Then you are sorry. But to do fret upon it because you will remember those moments forever.
Then.....that person or those people are no longer around. Your best friend has moved four states away and you may only see her once a year, if you are lucky. Your sibling gets a job 4 hours away and has to move. Yes, you see him more often but you seem to always forget your camera. All of your children have left the nest and things will never be the same. Or your loved one pass away and there will never again be an opportunity to take those pictures. Your trust you will always have those memories but sometimes details fade.
Then you try to tell a story about the time you and whomever did so and so but just telling the story does not do it justice. IF ONLY you had pictures to show.
Try not to let those opportunities pass you by. Try to capture those moments forever.
I feel very fortunate to have some (not enough) videos/dvds of my son when he was little. I can play them at any time to remember how absolutely adorable he was. I can hear his sweet little voice saying "mama I love you." I am also very fortunate to have videos/dvds of my parents. Some are of them interacting with my son but others are of them in the older years talking about their past. I wish I had known more questions to ask them. I wish I knew even more about them but I am very thankful to have what I have. Them talking about them in their own words.
Don't let an opportunity pass you by. Ask questions now. Hear what your family has to say in their own words.
When our first born is here we take pictures of every move they make. We record every breathe make or every sound they make. We want to capture every new moment for no other child has every done "whatever" as early or as well as our child. You keep a journal so you can capture things pictures cannot
Then the second or third child comes along and all of those good intentions....well, you take few pictures and record fewer words. You write less or do not even start a journal. It is NOT because you love them less it is because you are probably enjoying each moment more.
The same holds true for family moments. We have the camera right there by your side but you take only a few pictures or you never reach for it. Then you are sorry. But to do fret upon it because you will remember those moments forever.
Then.....that person or those people are no longer around. Your best friend has moved four states away and you may only see her once a year, if you are lucky. Your sibling gets a job 4 hours away and has to move. Yes, you see him more often but you seem to always forget your camera. All of your children have left the nest and things will never be the same. Or your loved one pass away and there will never again be an opportunity to take those pictures. Your trust you will always have those memories but sometimes details fade.
Then you try to tell a story about the time you and whomever did so and so but just telling the story does not do it justice. IF ONLY you had pictures to show.
Try not to let those opportunities pass you by. Try to capture those moments forever.
I feel very fortunate to have some (not enough) videos/dvds of my son when he was little. I can play them at any time to remember how absolutely adorable he was. I can hear his sweet little voice saying "mama I love you." I am also very fortunate to have videos/dvds of my parents. Some are of them interacting with my son but others are of them in the older years talking about their past. I wish I had known more questions to ask them. I wish I knew even more about them but I am very thankful to have what I have. Them talking about them in their own words.
Don't let an opportunity pass you by. Ask questions now. Hear what your family has to say in their own words.
When a door opens it may be time to walk through
When a "door" opens, it may be time to walk through. Or when opportunity knocks........
For several years my dad had been hospitalized. For several years he would have periodic falls (mostly from trying to get in or out of bed) but then the falls been more frequent.
One day I received a call from an EMS worker who had just left my parents' house. This was the second or third time he, himself, had answered a call to help my dad. Each time dad was okay and did not have to go to the hospital but they had to help him get back into bed (mom was not able to help him by herself). He was a bit bruised but otherwise okay. The man told me about the frequency of the calls and suggested to me that perhaps it was time my parents move to an assisted living.
I had been so resistant to this idea. I knew how my parents' felt about staying at home. They were private and proud people and did not want to leave their home.
I confess that I was also afraid of what my dad my do. I do not know if he was joking or not, as he had a weird sense of humor, but there had been times over the years that he said he would rather commit suicide than go to a home. I am a very sensitive person and I took those words to heart. I did not want to believe that he could or would ever do such a thing but the fear still lingered.
I did however, muster up the courage to bring up the subject with my parents. Like my dad, writing comes easily to me (it is a passion of mine). I am a very emotional person and I was not sure that I would be able to say everything to them unless I wrote it out first. So I did. I wrote a long letter to them explained firstly how much I love them and then the reasoning behind the suggestion.
Surprisingly my dad was open to the idea that perhaps someday that might have to move. (Notice all of the "maybe" type words). Even though they were not ready then, at least dad was open to the idea. Mom was more resistant but we did schedule a visit to a nearby assisted living home.
The visit went well but neither was ready to move yet. They still wanted to stay at their home. So that was it for then. At least the door had been opened - discussions had and a visit made - and we all walked through.
NOTE: a short time later there was a small fire at my parents' house. My mom put it out but she did not call 911. Although the fire was successfully put out, it might not have been. It easily could have reignited and then disaster would have been eminent. There would have been no way either of them would have been able to get out on their own and I am not sure help would have arrived on time. When I saw the damage that was done (the wood floor, and wall were burned - blackened - and a chair was charred. One set of curtains were destroyed) I became even more alarmed and afraid of what could have happened. It was at that moment that I realized the time had come - Mom and Dad had to move into the assisted living ASAP. They could no longer safely live at home and be left alone without someone nearby (within earshot).
I had to tell my parents that the time had come. I called that assisted living that day and surprisingly a room for the two of them had just become available. By that Wednesday, the move in.
For several years my dad had been hospitalized. For several years he would have periodic falls (mostly from trying to get in or out of bed) but then the falls been more frequent.
One day I received a call from an EMS worker who had just left my parents' house. This was the second or third time he, himself, had answered a call to help my dad. Each time dad was okay and did not have to go to the hospital but they had to help him get back into bed (mom was not able to help him by herself). He was a bit bruised but otherwise okay. The man told me about the frequency of the calls and suggested to me that perhaps it was time my parents move to an assisted living.
I had been so resistant to this idea. I knew how my parents' felt about staying at home. They were private and proud people and did not want to leave their home.
I confess that I was also afraid of what my dad my do. I do not know if he was joking or not, as he had a weird sense of humor, but there had been times over the years that he said he would rather commit suicide than go to a home. I am a very sensitive person and I took those words to heart. I did not want to believe that he could or would ever do such a thing but the fear still lingered.
I did however, muster up the courage to bring up the subject with my parents. Like my dad, writing comes easily to me (it is a passion of mine). I am a very emotional person and I was not sure that I would be able to say everything to them unless I wrote it out first. So I did. I wrote a long letter to them explained firstly how much I love them and then the reasoning behind the suggestion.
Surprisingly my dad was open to the idea that perhaps someday that might have to move. (Notice all of the "maybe" type words). Even though they were not ready then, at least dad was open to the idea. Mom was more resistant but we did schedule a visit to a nearby assisted living home.
The visit went well but neither was ready to move yet. They still wanted to stay at their home. So that was it for then. At least the door had been opened - discussions had and a visit made - and we all walked through.
NOTE: a short time later there was a small fire at my parents' house. My mom put it out but she did not call 911. Although the fire was successfully put out, it might not have been. It easily could have reignited and then disaster would have been eminent. There would have been no way either of them would have been able to get out on their own and I am not sure help would have arrived on time. When I saw the damage that was done (the wood floor, and wall were burned - blackened - and a chair was charred. One set of curtains were destroyed) I became even more alarmed and afraid of what could have happened. It was at that moment that I realized the time had come - Mom and Dad had to move into the assisted living ASAP. They could no longer safely live at home and be left alone without someone nearby (within earshot).
I had to tell my parents that the time had come. I called that assisted living that day and surprisingly a room for the two of them had just become available. By that Wednesday, the move in.
DO ask for help - DO NOT try to do it all yourself
I learned late that I needed to actually ask for help more often. I tried to do too much myself and ended up sacrificing when perhaps I may not have had to do so.
From time to time I would ask for advice and I did frequently discuss things with my brother (who lives in another state) but as far as asking for active help, I was not good about doing that. There were a few times that I realized I could not do it all but in hindsight, not enough times.
I will never forget a time when I did ask for help. My dad was in the hospital for the second time within a week. I felt like I was not getting the answers I needed regarding my dad's care (my mom was not doing very well herself and she was at the assisted living) and prognosis so I called my uncle (my dad's younger brother). I asked him if he would meet me at the hospital and talk to the doctors with me.
I arrived at the hospital first. I walked into my dad's room. His eyes were rolled back into his head. It was painful to see so I left the room crying. A nurse led me into a consultation room to wait for my uncle.
When my uncle arrived a doctor came in to talk to us. We asked him questions about how my dad was doing (do not remember details), about his prognosis (uncertain) and what the next step might be. At that moment, I still believed that he was either going to return to the assisted living to be with my mom or be transferred to a rehab facility to regain his strength.
A little bit later my cousin came into the room. She saw the doctor and ask him what it meant when someone was in V-Tach. The doctor ran out of the room then into my dad's room. A few short moments later the doctor told us we needed to go into my dad's room.
My dad had passed away. I saw him twitch a little and I had a glimmer of hope that he was not gone but I was wrong. Dad had passed away on November 9, 2005.
There must have been a reason I had asked my uncle for help that day. It was so that he would be there when I needed him right after the passing of my dad (his brother).
That day I had not been afraid to ask for help and I am so grateful I did. I am so thankful that I did not have to go through that moment alone. My uncle and my cousin were there to comfort me.
From time to time I would ask for advice and I did frequently discuss things with my brother (who lives in another state) but as far as asking for active help, I was not good about doing that. There were a few times that I realized I could not do it all but in hindsight, not enough times.
I will never forget a time when I did ask for help. My dad was in the hospital for the second time within a week. I felt like I was not getting the answers I needed regarding my dad's care (my mom was not doing very well herself and she was at the assisted living) and prognosis so I called my uncle (my dad's younger brother). I asked him if he would meet me at the hospital and talk to the doctors with me.
I arrived at the hospital first. I walked into my dad's room. His eyes were rolled back into his head. It was painful to see so I left the room crying. A nurse led me into a consultation room to wait for my uncle.
When my uncle arrived a doctor came in to talk to us. We asked him questions about how my dad was doing (do not remember details), about his prognosis (uncertain) and what the next step might be. At that moment, I still believed that he was either going to return to the assisted living to be with my mom or be transferred to a rehab facility to regain his strength.
A little bit later my cousin came into the room. She saw the doctor and ask him what it meant when someone was in V-Tach. The doctor ran out of the room then into my dad's room. A few short moments later the doctor told us we needed to go into my dad's room.
My dad had passed away. I saw him twitch a little and I had a glimmer of hope that he was not gone but I was wrong. Dad had passed away on November 9, 2005.
There must have been a reason I had asked my uncle for help that day. It was so that he would be there when I needed him right after the passing of my dad (his brother).
That day I had not been afraid to ask for help and I am so grateful I did. I am so thankful that I did not have to go through that moment alone. My uncle and my cousin were there to comfort me.
You do not have to be the bad guy
You do not always have to be the bad guy when making decisions about, for or with your parents. There are times when an outsider may be better suited to speak with your parents about a particular subject or change.
The outsider needs to be someone that you and your parents like and respect. This person may be a physician, a minister, a family friend, etc.
There are times when you might be uncomfortable discussing something with your parents. You may get too emotional (cry or yell) or you might not be able to explain the why's or why not's.
The outsider needs to be someone that you and your parents like and respect. This person may be a physician, a minister, a family friend, etc.
There are times when you might be uncomfortable discussing something with your parents. You may get too emotional (cry or yell) or you might not be able to explain the why's or why not's.
Choosing the Right Help
When the time came that my parents needed more care the objective was still to keep them TOGETHER in THEIR home.
I had a list of requirements the caregiver needed to have as well as what was needed to be done for my parents. They needed someone who was strong but caring and nurturing.
Once the decision is made to hire someone, be sure to pop in unexpectedly to see how everyone is doing. Our your parents' needs being met and are they happy. Observe how everyone is interacting.
I had a list of requirements the caregiver needed to have as well as what was needed to be done for my parents. They needed someone who was strong but caring and nurturing.
Once the decision is made to hire someone, be sure to pop in unexpectedly to see how everyone is doing. Our your parents' needs being met and are they happy. Observe how everyone is interacting.
Maintaining Independence
Most every adult wants to be or at least feel independent. This is especially true when we get older. In an ideal and perfect world (like in our dreams or perhaps in an old episode of FATHER KNOWS BEST or the DONNA REED SHOW - I know....I am dating myself.) we would all grow old not only gracefully but without pain, bad health or anything. And, when it was our time "to go" we would simply go to "sleep" and go off to heaven. But, alas, we do not live in a perfect world.
Growing older means (possibly) dealing with new challenges and perhaps facing situations we never dreamed and/or do not want to face.
We, as the child, of an aging parent(s) need to be sensitive to where they were, where they, where they hope to be and where they will or might be. We need to remember when we were teenagers (well our parents told us all of those years up to our teen years but once we became teens suddenly parents sometimes became the "enemy") and our parents told us what we could and could not do. There were times we did not like it (and them) and times we did or wanted to rebel. Well, our aging parents sometimes have similar feelings.
We need to take THEIR feelings into consideration when making decisions WITH (for) them. Whenever possible make decisions WITH them; with THEIR input. Or at least let them feel you are. There might be times when YOU clearly have to make THEIR decisions for them but try not to make them feel anything less than good.
The ideal goal is to keep your parents at home as long as possible if not forever (until their passing). Sometimes this is possible with some modifications and sometimes it is not or it is possible but not as a permanent solution.
Along with your parents and your local Geriatric Clinic, if available, evaluate your parents living environment. (NOTE: we were extremely lucky to have the caring support from the Geriatric Clinic at UNC.) Evaluations should include several aspects: Can they move around the house easily without obstacles? If there are obstacles, can they be eliminated or improved? Can they easily get in and out of the house? their bed? the shower/tub? the car? etc.? Can motivations be made? Are necessary items easily accessible? - such as foods in the refrig., freezer, cabinets, etc.? Can those items be moved up higher or lower OR moved to another location? Think about way to help keep your parents as independent and as safe as possible. Remember when your baby was beginning to crawl or walk and you got down on their level to see what needed to be moved or locked up? Well, this is similar. Try to put yourself in their place.
Examples of modifications made for my parents: My brother bought some metal bars and bent them to go under the mattress (between the mattress and boxspring) to be used as grab bars to help our parents get in and out of bed. This was so helpful. He removed or modified door jams to allow a walker, wheelchair or cane to be used to get from one remove to another. Grab bars were installed in the shower/tub and near the toilets. A rolling cart with shelves was placed in the keep to include things needed for every day or frequent use - medications (Note: using a weekly medicine storage keeper helps to insure that the proper medication at the proper dosage is being taken at the proper time on the proper date. The container needs to be filled once a week.); mail; stationery, stamps, pens, etc....... On their cart, they had their pill bottles in basket (easily accessible when it was time to refill the weekly medicine keeper) on one shelve; stationery, etc. on another; an extra box of tissues on another. They were able to sit at the kitchen table a pull the cart closer to them when needed and easily pushed back out of the way when not needed.
I will probably remember more modifications later on but these are a few that helped my parents remain a bit more independent for a bit longer while maintaining their pride. They had some CONTROL over their lives.
Growing older means (possibly) dealing with new challenges and perhaps facing situations we never dreamed and/or do not want to face.
We, as the child, of an aging parent(s) need to be sensitive to where they were, where they, where they hope to be and where they will or might be. We need to remember when we were teenagers (well our parents told us all of those years up to our teen years but once we became teens suddenly parents sometimes became the "enemy") and our parents told us what we could and could not do. There were times we did not like it (and them) and times we did or wanted to rebel. Well, our aging parents sometimes have similar feelings.
We need to take THEIR feelings into consideration when making decisions WITH (for) them. Whenever possible make decisions WITH them; with THEIR input. Or at least let them feel you are. There might be times when YOU clearly have to make THEIR decisions for them but try not to make them feel anything less than good.
The ideal goal is to keep your parents at home as long as possible if not forever (until their passing). Sometimes this is possible with some modifications and sometimes it is not or it is possible but not as a permanent solution.
Along with your parents and your local Geriatric Clinic, if available, evaluate your parents living environment. (NOTE: we were extremely lucky to have the caring support from the Geriatric Clinic at UNC.) Evaluations should include several aspects: Can they move around the house easily without obstacles? If there are obstacles, can they be eliminated or improved? Can they easily get in and out of the house? their bed? the shower/tub? the car? etc.? Can motivations be made? Are necessary items easily accessible? - such as foods in the refrig., freezer, cabinets, etc.? Can those items be moved up higher or lower OR moved to another location? Think about way to help keep your parents as independent and as safe as possible. Remember when your baby was beginning to crawl or walk and you got down on their level to see what needed to be moved or locked up? Well, this is similar. Try to put yourself in their place.
Examples of modifications made for my parents: My brother bought some metal bars and bent them to go under the mattress (between the mattress and boxspring) to be used as grab bars to help our parents get in and out of bed. This was so helpful. He removed or modified door jams to allow a walker, wheelchair or cane to be used to get from one remove to another. Grab bars were installed in the shower/tub and near the toilets. A rolling cart with shelves was placed in the keep to include things needed for every day or frequent use - medications (Note: using a weekly medicine storage keeper helps to insure that the proper medication at the proper dosage is being taken at the proper time on the proper date. The container needs to be filled once a week.); mail; stationery, stamps, pens, etc....... On their cart, they had their pill bottles in basket (easily accessible when it was time to refill the weekly medicine keeper) on one shelve; stationery, etc. on another; an extra box of tissues on another. They were able to sit at the kitchen table a pull the cart closer to them when needed and easily pushed back out of the way when not needed.
I will probably remember more modifications later on but these are a few that helped my parents remain a bit more independent for a bit longer while maintaining their pride. They had some CONTROL over their lives.
Commuication
Throughout life COMMUNICATION is so very important. Communication has many facets. To truly communicate you have to be able to know how to express yourself (this include choose your words careful - say what you mean and mean what you say) but you also need to know how to listen. You may hear the words but are you truly listening? You listen with more senses than just your ears - you may have to use your eyes, your heart, your mind, your soul and/or your experience. You need to know when to respond, when to ask question, when to help and when to be silent. Well.....sometimes your silence is actual silence while other times it is merely an acknowledgment that you are listening.
Anyway, through the process of CARING FOR YOUR PARENTS it is very important that you not only keep the lines of communication open with your parents but also with other family members.
Just because one (or perhaps more) person may take the lead or be more readily available to care for your parents this does not necessarily mean that you should take on the responsibility or burden of all decisions and/or all discussions.
Before making a decision regarding your parents, make sure you discuss the situation with other family members before actually making the decisions. This will save time and heart ache later on.
For example, when each of my parents were very sick, I always discussed their situation with my brother (even though he lived many miles away). I had was here with them and I had the legal powers but I felt I should still communicate with him regarding OUR parents. I felt this took some of the pressure and stress off of me as well as kept him informed.
I had the advantages and disadvantages of living nearby. I had the advantage of being able to see them often but had the disadvantage of having to see (firsthand) their health decline. It was very painful to watch. I had the disadvantage of seeing them immediate when they passed but also had the advantage of being able to be with them as they passed.
Anyway, my brother was not able to be here due to his own family obligations (at one point his wife was in the hospital) so I wanted to help him through those times. I know how I deal with guilt even though I might not have any reason to feel guilty so I wanted to help ease guilt he may have had (he could not be in two places at one time - he was where he needed to be at the time). I wanted him to feel a part of the process. This is where communication was helpful for all of us. It helped us to have someone to share with and get support from. It also helped with the healing process.
Communication - it is not over rated.
Anyway, through the process of CARING FOR YOUR PARENTS it is very important that you not only keep the lines of communication open with your parents but also with other family members.
Just because one (or perhaps more) person may take the lead or be more readily available to care for your parents this does not necessarily mean that you should take on the responsibility or burden of all decisions and/or all discussions.
Before making a decision regarding your parents, make sure you discuss the situation with other family members before actually making the decisions. This will save time and heart ache later on.
For example, when each of my parents were very sick, I always discussed their situation with my brother (even though he lived many miles away). I had was here with them and I had the legal powers but I felt I should still communicate with him regarding OUR parents. I felt this took some of the pressure and stress off of me as well as kept him informed.
I had the advantages and disadvantages of living nearby. I had the advantage of being able to see them often but had the disadvantage of having to see (firsthand) their health decline. It was very painful to watch. I had the disadvantage of seeing them immediate when they passed but also had the advantage of being able to be with them as they passed.
Anyway, my brother was not able to be here due to his own family obligations (at one point his wife was in the hospital) so I wanted to help him through those times. I know how I deal with guilt even though I might not have any reason to feel guilty so I wanted to help ease guilt he may have had (he could not be in two places at one time - he was where he needed to be at the time). I wanted him to feel a part of the process. This is where communication was helpful for all of us. It helped us to have someone to share with and get support from. It also helped with the healing process.
Communication - it is not over rated.
Fraud - If it is too good to be true........just say NO!
While writing this blog so many thoughts are rushing through my mind. Unfortunately they are not necessarily rushing back in order of events. That is the story of my life. I can (eventually) finish a project but generally not without several detours. For example: when cleaning - I will start in one room and find something in that room that belongs in another. I take that item to the correct room then either stop along the way to do something else (eventually making it to my original destination) or begin cleaning that room.....until.......well, you get the point.
Okay now back to my stories of FRAUD. There are several cases of fraud that happened to my parents. Each leading to a lives being changed.
YARD WORK - My parents lived in a log cabin (well, the front part was an original log cabin) set back off a main road. A man had apparently been watching the goings on of cars and activity around my parents house. One day this man came to my parents door stating that he noticed that their grass was tall and that some bushes were overgrown. He would be glad to help them out for a fee and if he could use their lawn mowers. They agreed and gave him the keys to the riding lawn mower and a few dollars for gas. He said that it was too late to begin that night but that he would start early the next day.
Well, sometime during the night, the man came back to my parents house and took their riding lawn mower (the other was bolted). He never returned.
My parents called the police. Unfortunately the police were 99.9% sure of who took it (he had a history of taking advantage of people) but there was no real proof and they were not sure where he was. He was good about evading the law.
NEW ROOF - A different man came knocking on my parents door to say that he was a roofer and noticed that their roof needed repair. He said he was going to house to check out roofs then knocking on doors to offer his services. He gave my parents a quote. It seems reasonable however he would need all of the money up front. He said that he would ride with my mom to the bank and wait outside (he even suggested where she park - out of the view of outside video cameras). He said he had to have cash (I never found out what he said to make them believe he needed to have cash but he was clever). My mom withdrew $4000 of their hard earned money and gave it to this man. Very pleased he said he would start immediately the next day and that the job would be finished within a short period of time.
Well, as you can guess that man was never seen or heard from again. My parents were very intelligent but as they got older and suffered strokes, their reasoning process became cloudy with certain issues. They trusted when they should not have. They said yes when they should have said NO.
MOTORIZED SCOOTER - This one really got me upset for a few reasons. A seemingly reputable company sold my parents a motorized scooter even seeing that they already had one in the house. Okay let me set the scene. Their yard was large but extremely uneven. They had a gravel and dirt driveway. Their house was located on a main (busy traffic) road without sidewalks. The nearest store was at least a mile plus away. Their house was a combination of built rooms. The front part of the house was an original log cabin which had several different additions made over the years. What this meant was that there were step downs/ups, uneven floor surfaces, door jams, and irregular paths through the house (they had a lot of furniture which made it a challenge to move around the house). Any intelligent and honest person could tell that a scooter would not be able to be used in the house. NOTE: the other scooter ended being a storage place for pillows and blankets - it had only been used.....well, never). Well, the salesperson still sold my parents two scooters for about $4000 or $5000. He said he would follow up with Medicare for them but never did which left them with a purchase of these scooters that were impossible to be used in or out of their home.
It took a long time (about 2 years) but I filed a grievance on their behalf and won the arbitration. The company took the unused scooters back and refunded my parents their money.
I, unfortunately, was not aware of any of the incidents until it was too late. Deals had been made. The scooter incident happened before the roof one. I thought it was an isolated case but once the roof fraud happened I spoke with my parents about their letting me help them manage their finances. I took possession of the checkbook, debit cards, and charge cards and left them with only a small amount of cash (on hand). Since neither of them drove it did not seem to be a big deal. I was usually the one with them whenever they needed/wanted to spend money.
It was a lot of work but I did not want to see them lose any more money from dishonest people.
How dare people take advantage of such nice people.
Okay now back to my stories of FRAUD. There are several cases of fraud that happened to my parents. Each leading to a lives being changed.
YARD WORK - My parents lived in a log cabin (well, the front part was an original log cabin) set back off a main road. A man had apparently been watching the goings on of cars and activity around my parents house. One day this man came to my parents door stating that he noticed that their grass was tall and that some bushes were overgrown. He would be glad to help them out for a fee and if he could use their lawn mowers. They agreed and gave him the keys to the riding lawn mower and a few dollars for gas. He said that it was too late to begin that night but that he would start early the next day.
Well, sometime during the night, the man came back to my parents house and took their riding lawn mower (the other was bolted). He never returned.
My parents called the police. Unfortunately the police were 99.9% sure of who took it (he had a history of taking advantage of people) but there was no real proof and they were not sure where he was. He was good about evading the law.
NEW ROOF - A different man came knocking on my parents door to say that he was a roofer and noticed that their roof needed repair. He said he was going to house to check out roofs then knocking on doors to offer his services. He gave my parents a quote. It seems reasonable however he would need all of the money up front. He said that he would ride with my mom to the bank and wait outside (he even suggested where she park - out of the view of outside video cameras). He said he had to have cash (I never found out what he said to make them believe he needed to have cash but he was clever). My mom withdrew $4000 of their hard earned money and gave it to this man. Very pleased he said he would start immediately the next day and that the job would be finished within a short period of time.
Well, as you can guess that man was never seen or heard from again. My parents were very intelligent but as they got older and suffered strokes, their reasoning process became cloudy with certain issues. They trusted when they should not have. They said yes when they should have said NO.
MOTORIZED SCOOTER - This one really got me upset for a few reasons. A seemingly reputable company sold my parents a motorized scooter even seeing that they already had one in the house. Okay let me set the scene. Their yard was large but extremely uneven. They had a gravel and dirt driveway. Their house was located on a main (busy traffic) road without sidewalks. The nearest store was at least a mile plus away. Their house was a combination of built rooms. The front part of the house was an original log cabin which had several different additions made over the years. What this meant was that there were step downs/ups, uneven floor surfaces, door jams, and irregular paths through the house (they had a lot of furniture which made it a challenge to move around the house). Any intelligent and honest person could tell that a scooter would not be able to be used in the house. NOTE: the other scooter ended being a storage place for pillows and blankets - it had only been used.....well, never). Well, the salesperson still sold my parents two scooters for about $4000 or $5000. He said he would follow up with Medicare for them but never did which left them with a purchase of these scooters that were impossible to be used in or out of their home.
It took a long time (about 2 years) but I filed a grievance on their behalf and won the arbitration. The company took the unused scooters back and refunded my parents their money.
I, unfortunately, was not aware of any of the incidents until it was too late. Deals had been made. The scooter incident happened before the roof one. I thought it was an isolated case but once the roof fraud happened I spoke with my parents about their letting me help them manage their finances. I took possession of the checkbook, debit cards, and charge cards and left them with only a small amount of cash (on hand). Since neither of them drove it did not seem to be a big deal. I was usually the one with them whenever they needed/wanted to spend money.
It was a lot of work but I did not want to see them lose any more money from dishonest people.
How dare people take advantage of such nice people.
Powers of Attorney, Wills, etc.
Decisions regarding powers of attorney, wills, illness, death, etc. can be very uncomfortable but it does not need to be impossible.
My husband and I bought our house a long time ago. I was 25 and he was 30. We were many years away from having to have the need to all of the above or were we. Hopefully we would not really need any of the above but it was a perfect time to take care of those legal decisions while we were young and less stressed. We had our wills made so we were done (for the time being).
After our son was born, we need to update our wills to provide for his future well being. We designated a legal guardian, if needed, and appointed an executor. Okay now we were really done, right? Wrong.
As our parents got older we realized that we all need to update our wills and add additional legal documents. We started with the parents. While they were still in somewhat reasonable health we talked about powers of attorney to handle not only financial needs/obligations but healthcare in the event they were not able to handle things themselves. This got us all to think about our futures and what we wanted for ourselves. This made it less uncomfortable because we all were talking about having the same legal documents prepared regardless of our ages.
So we all did the following: Updated our wills which included appointing executors and alternate executors. Having general power of attorney documents drawn, also with alternates. DNR and Living Wills - the DNR is DO NOT RESUSCITATE is important because when it is needed you are not able to speak for yourself. The Living Will also lets you make decisions about your healthcare should you not be able to speak. Do you want to be on life support? Do you want a feeding tube?......etc. Healthcare Power of Attorney - I am not sure if all States or hospitals require this document but we needed it when decisions needed to be made of behalf of our parents health care. Now (at least we hope) all of the necessary documents have been prepared. One more things - some States also require that some documents be recorded through a local Deed of Records Office.
The next step was to make sure that each power of attorney appointee was aware of where the original and copies are located and any and all necessary files, keys, names/addresses/phone numbers of important contacts, etc.
Wishes were made known and documented.
Believe me - this made some otherwise (well, actually still difficult) difficult decisions easier when the time arose. When my parents were very sick, I knew their wishes. When they were dying, I knew their wishes. Stating them to the doctors was still hard but knowing that this is what they wanted was comforting.
Do not delay these discussions - have them as soon as possible and get them legally documented.
My husband and I bought our house a long time ago. I was 25 and he was 30. We were many years away from having to have the need to all of the above or were we. Hopefully we would not really need any of the above but it was a perfect time to take care of those legal decisions while we were young and less stressed. We had our wills made so we were done (for the time being).
After our son was born, we need to update our wills to provide for his future well being. We designated a legal guardian, if needed, and appointed an executor. Okay now we were really done, right? Wrong.
As our parents got older we realized that we all need to update our wills and add additional legal documents. We started with the parents. While they were still in somewhat reasonable health we talked about powers of attorney to handle not only financial needs/obligations but healthcare in the event they were not able to handle things themselves. This got us all to think about our futures and what we wanted for ourselves. This made it less uncomfortable because we all were talking about having the same legal documents prepared regardless of our ages.
So we all did the following: Updated our wills which included appointing executors and alternate executors. Having general power of attorney documents drawn, also with alternates. DNR and Living Wills - the DNR is DO NOT RESUSCITATE is important because when it is needed you are not able to speak for yourself. The Living Will also lets you make decisions about your healthcare should you not be able to speak. Do you want to be on life support? Do you want a feeding tube?......etc. Healthcare Power of Attorney - I am not sure if all States or hospitals require this document but we needed it when decisions needed to be made of behalf of our parents health care. Now (at least we hope) all of the necessary documents have been prepared. One more things - some States also require that some documents be recorded through a local Deed of Records Office.
The next step was to make sure that each power of attorney appointee was aware of where the original and copies are located and any and all necessary files, keys, names/addresses/phone numbers of important contacts, etc.
Wishes were made known and documented.
Believe me - this made some otherwise (well, actually still difficult) difficult decisions easier when the time arose. When my parents were very sick, I knew their wishes. When they were dying, I knew their wishes. Stating them to the doctors was still hard but knowing that this is what they wanted was comforting.
Do not delay these discussions - have them as soon as possible and get them legally documented.
Make foods and drinks more interesting
Sometimes aging/ill parents (or other family members) do not have much of an interest in eating and/or are on a restrictive diet. Although the older we get we may (or may not) not need as much food as we once did (due to lack of physical activity) however getting the proper nurishment is still important and staying hydrated is equally (perhaps more) important.
A former co-worker was telling me about how her mother was only able to eat soft foods but she was not interesting in eating those foods because they were boring. One of the foods she was allowed to eat was oatmeal. My suggestion was to add some color to make it more visually appealing. A little bit of food coloring could be used to change the color of the entire bowl of oatmeal or to draw designs - you could also use a cookie cutter gently placed on top of the oatmeal as a template for making a design. Another suggestion was to use either a touch of sprinkles like used on sugar cookies or toppings for ice cream. If permitted, just a few chocolate (or other flavor) chips also would enhance the food. This would also work for grits or cream of wheat.
She was also allowed (occasionally) to have pancakes. I suggested making them into fun shapes either free-handed or using a cookie cutter. The pancakes could also be topped with the items mentioned above.
Making food more visually appealing can make eating (even the same things over and over again) more fun.
If there is not a restrictive diet but someone still finds eating boring. Here are some more tricks/tips: Use colorful plates/bowls (even if they are paper or plastic). Use uniquely shaped plates/bowls. Use colorful napkins and flatware. Make every meal an event or a party.
Staying hydrated is also very important. Not being hydrated can lead to fatigue which can eventually lead to other ailments and/or hospitalizations.
Tricks or tips......Very often people forget to drink because they are not thirsty. We need to drink BEFORE we actually get thirsty. One suggestion was to set an alarm clock or a timer to every hour - this is the reminder to drink. It is important to not consume too much caffeine as this can contribute to dehydration. Water is the preferred beverage but for some can be boring. Jazz things up a bit: Add a drop or two of food coloring. Used colored glassware rather than clear. Add a bit of crushed fruit into the drink or a slice on the edge of the glass.
Keeping things interesting avoids boredom and avoids neglecting to eat and/or drink.
A former co-worker was telling me about how her mother was only able to eat soft foods but she was not interesting in eating those foods because they were boring. One of the foods she was allowed to eat was oatmeal. My suggestion was to add some color to make it more visually appealing. A little bit of food coloring could be used to change the color of the entire bowl of oatmeal or to draw designs - you could also use a cookie cutter gently placed on top of the oatmeal as a template for making a design. Another suggestion was to use either a touch of sprinkles like used on sugar cookies or toppings for ice cream. If permitted, just a few chocolate (or other flavor) chips also would enhance the food. This would also work for grits or cream of wheat.
She was also allowed (occasionally) to have pancakes. I suggested making them into fun shapes either free-handed or using a cookie cutter. The pancakes could also be topped with the items mentioned above.
Making food more visually appealing can make eating (even the same things over and over again) more fun.
If there is not a restrictive diet but someone still finds eating boring. Here are some more tricks/tips: Use colorful plates/bowls (even if they are paper or plastic). Use uniquely shaped plates/bowls. Use colorful napkins and flatware. Make every meal an event or a party.
Staying hydrated is also very important. Not being hydrated can lead to fatigue which can eventually lead to other ailments and/or hospitalizations.
Tricks or tips......Very often people forget to drink because they are not thirsty. We need to drink BEFORE we actually get thirsty. One suggestion was to set an alarm clock or a timer to every hour - this is the reminder to drink. It is important to not consume too much caffeine as this can contribute to dehydration. Water is the preferred beverage but for some can be boring. Jazz things up a bit: Add a drop or two of food coloring. Used colored glassware rather than clear. Add a bit of crushed fruit into the drink or a slice on the edge of the glass.
Keeping things interesting avoids boredom and avoids neglecting to eat and/or drink.
Friday, January 29, 2010
No more driving - time to hang up the keys
How do you, as the adult child, tell one of your parents that you believe one or both of them should not drive any more? Fortunately (use this term for a lack of a better one), Dad had given up driving on his own after his stroke. I really do not remember exactly how it came about. I believe it was a natural event. My mom just automatically began driving them around so Dad did not have to. There really was no way that he would have been able to drive as he was weakened (after the stroke) and his reactions were too slow.
After Mom's stroke, I (and the rest of the family were...) was concerned about her driving so I requested (NOTE: I was really INSISTING but was sensitive enough to not make it sound that way. I chose my words carefully. Used words like "wouldn't it make YOU feel more at ease to have a professional access your driving ability".) she take a driving test with a professional. Much to my surprised she was cleared for driving. Okay, so be it. I had to trust that she would be okay.
For awhile this was true but then it happened. Mom had two accidents within a month of each other. Although neither accident was serious (in that no one was seriously hurt) the second one did leave her car as a total loss.
In a way having the car a loss made the talk I had to have with Mom easier. Well, it was still not easy. I had to let my mother (who had been strong and independent for so many years) know that I believed it was in her best interest to no longer drive. I did not want her to feel like she was being punished so I explained to her the reasoning behind my belief.
I relied on her emotions and sensibility. I stated the obvious, that she had had two accidents within a short period of time and although we believed the second one was really not her fault she was charged. I asked her how would she feel if she and Dad were in the car and one of both of them got hurt or worse. I asked her how she would feel if she caused someone else's injuries or death. I SUGGESTED to her that it would be in their best interest if she no longer drove and assured her that I (or someone else) would be available to take them to appointments, to the grocery store, for outtings, etc.
This was an easy decision (on my part) but not the easiest of conversations to have. But it went surprisingly well. They both respected the outcome and were very gracious in their acceptance.
After Mom's stroke, I (and the rest of the family were...) was concerned about her driving so I requested (NOTE: I was really INSISTING but was sensitive enough to not make it sound that way. I chose my words carefully. Used words like "wouldn't it make YOU feel more at ease to have a professional access your driving ability".) she take a driving test with a professional. Much to my surprised she was cleared for driving. Okay, so be it. I had to trust that she would be okay.
For awhile this was true but then it happened. Mom had two accidents within a month of each other. Although neither accident was serious (in that no one was seriously hurt) the second one did leave her car as a total loss.
In a way having the car a loss made the talk I had to have with Mom easier. Well, it was still not easy. I had to let my mother (who had been strong and independent for so many years) know that I believed it was in her best interest to no longer drive. I did not want her to feel like she was being punished so I explained to her the reasoning behind my belief.
I relied on her emotions and sensibility. I stated the obvious, that she had had two accidents within a short period of time and although we believed the second one was really not her fault she was charged. I asked her how would she feel if she and Dad were in the car and one of both of them got hurt or worse. I asked her how she would feel if she caused someone else's injuries or death. I SUGGESTED to her that it would be in their best interest if she no longer drove and assured her that I (or someone else) would be available to take them to appointments, to the grocery store, for outtings, etc.
This was an easy decision (on my part) but not the easiest of conversations to have. But it went surprisingly well. They both respected the outcome and were very gracious in their acceptance.
The signs were there but....
The signs were there but not always seen. In December of 2000, Mom fell off of a step ladder while getting Christmas decorations from the top of a closet. She fractured her leg in several places and was in the hospital for awhile. She returned home in wheelchair - she was in it for about 5-6 weeks. This was a sign - but it was chalked up to "just an accident".
Over the years, Mom had a couple of car accidents - definite sign but still not fully recognized to the fullest. After the second accident Mom no longer drove (more about this under another TITLE). Life took another change.
Mom' s stroke happened in 2001; by 2004 Mom was beginning to slow down. She had been going strong for so long and pushed herself to do what she could. Then it was decided that Mom and Dad needed some additional (other than from me) help during the day. A very nice woman was hired to help Mom and Dad with meals, laundry, light housework and day to day activities.
But then it happened.....a clear and definite sign that could not be overlooked.
There was a small fire at my parents' house. Mom put the fire out but did not call 911. Perhaps some may not see the harm in that but after having seen the damage to the floor, the wall and a chair 911 probably should have been called. All too often a fire is seemingly put out only to reignite. Fortunately this did not happen but it could have. Had it happened there is no way Mom would have been able to help Dad get out of the house. She may or may not have been able to get herself out of the house.
This is when it was obvious that my parents could not stay in their house for any length of time without assistance nearby. Unfortunately hiring someone to be there 24/7 was not possible so they had to move to an assisted living (see separate TITLE for more details). Wow, what a life changing time.
Over the years, Mom had a couple of car accidents - definite sign but still not fully recognized to the fullest. After the second accident Mom no longer drove (more about this under another TITLE). Life took another change.
Mom' s stroke happened in 2001; by 2004 Mom was beginning to slow down. She had been going strong for so long and pushed herself to do what she could. Then it was decided that Mom and Dad needed some additional (other than from me) help during the day. A very nice woman was hired to help Mom and Dad with meals, laundry, light housework and day to day activities.
But then it happened.....a clear and definite sign that could not be overlooked.
There was a small fire at my parents' house. Mom put the fire out but did not call 911. Perhaps some may not see the harm in that but after having seen the damage to the floor, the wall and a chair 911 probably should have been called. All too often a fire is seemingly put out only to reignite. Fortunately this did not happen but it could have. Had it happened there is no way Mom would have been able to help Dad get out of the house. She may or may not have been able to get herself out of the house.
This is when it was obvious that my parents could not stay in their house for any length of time without assistance nearby. Unfortunately hiring someone to be there 24/7 was not possible so they had to move to an assisted living (see separate TITLE for more details). Wow, what a life changing time.
Life change with a stroke
Taking the first steps for caring for your (aging) parents may or may not come naturally and may or may not occur suddenly or slowly. I guess mine was a progression. My dad had had a stroke in the late 1990's. Although he made a recovery it did leave him weakened and unable to do many of the things he used to do; one of which was driving. Mom and Dad fairly well for years after Dad's stroke. Mom's motto used "use it or lose it" so she kept active.
Then life changed. Mom had surgery to prevent a stroke (basically she went into the hospital relatively healthy considering all......but came out a different person) but ended up having a stroke. Despite the mention that we believed she had had a stroke, she was released from the hospital.
The next day it was obvious that she had had a stroke. She was not able to see things on her left side. Her speech was slurred and she kept repeating herself. So back to the hospital.
Surprise.....it was determined she had had a stroke. She had to undergo more surgery, more tests and about 6 weeks of rehab.
Mom made a decent recovery (to the amazement of the doctors) and was able to return home and eventually resume many of day to day routines.
Then life changed. Mom had surgery to prevent a stroke (basically she went into the hospital relatively healthy considering all......but came out a different person) but ended up having a stroke. Despite the mention that we believed she had had a stroke, she was released from the hospital.
The next day it was obvious that she had had a stroke. She was not able to see things on her left side. Her speech was slurred and she kept repeating herself. So back to the hospital.
Surprise.....it was determined she had had a stroke. She had to undergo more surgery, more tests and about 6 weeks of rehab.
Mom made a decent recovery (to the amazement of the doctors) and was able to return home and eventually resume many of day to day routines.
Where to Start
I do not claim to be an expert by any means but I had been through a lot with my parents and it was not always easy. I felt I did not have any resources to help me through this. Neither of my parents had to go through what I did. True, my mom did help care for her mother while she was dying (she passed too young). My mom had to make the decision to be apart from her husband (my dad) during my grandmother's illness. In hindsight I wish I had spoken with my mother more about what she went through while caring for her mother. Many of the circumstances were different but it may have given me a starting point. We are somewhat taught or learn from observation how to be a parent but how often do we learn how to care for our parents? I did not know where to start so I had to somehow create a beginning.
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