In your heart - I LOVE YOU. Three words combination.
My parents were married for over 63 years. But basically had know each other their entire lives. They met when they were about 5 or 6. The married when they were 20 when my dad was in the war (WWII).
My parents REALLY loved each other. I have known such a strong and beautiful love. Even when my dad was missing in the war (he was a POW), my mom never gave up hope. She believed he was alive and kept their love alive.
Telling my mother that my father had passed away was probably the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Mom wailed and cried. She could not believe what she was hearing. "What am I going to do?"
Somewhat we had to help my mom get through each day. There was no way she was going to get over losing my dad - her husband, the love of her life but we had to help her try to get each day.
Before dad passed away he became non-verbal. Mom came up with her own type of sign language. She had decided that whenever she wanted to tell my dad she loved him, she would hold three fingers over her heart. The three fingers meant I LOVE YOU. I thought this was so smart of her.
After dad passed mom wanted to be with him - it was not so much that she wanted to die as she did not want to live without him. She wanted to be with her husband.
To try to help her. we let her know that when the time was right she would be with him and that the reason she did not go then was because it would have been too hard for their children to lose both parents at the same time. We also told her that dad was probably getting things ready for her for some time in the future.
Mom wanted to believe that dad could hear her. We told her that dad would always be in our hearts and that all she had to do was put her three fingers over her heart and dad would know that she loves him.
Three powerful words - I LOVE YOU.
Saturday, January 30, 2010
In Their Own Words
Time goes by so quickly. We have good intentions to do this and that but too often we do not follow through.
When our first born is here we take pictures of every move they make. We record every breathe make or every sound they make. We want to capture every new moment for no other child has every done "whatever" as early or as well as our child. You keep a journal so you can capture things pictures cannot
Then the second or third child comes along and all of those good intentions....well, you take few pictures and record fewer words. You write less or do not even start a journal. It is NOT because you love them less it is because you are probably enjoying each moment more.
The same holds true for family moments. We have the camera right there by your side but you take only a few pictures or you never reach for it. Then you are sorry. But to do fret upon it because you will remember those moments forever.
Then.....that person or those people are no longer around. Your best friend has moved four states away and you may only see her once a year, if you are lucky. Your sibling gets a job 4 hours away and has to move. Yes, you see him more often but you seem to always forget your camera. All of your children have left the nest and things will never be the same. Or your loved one pass away and there will never again be an opportunity to take those pictures. Your trust you will always have those memories but sometimes details fade.
Then you try to tell a story about the time you and whomever did so and so but just telling the story does not do it justice. IF ONLY you had pictures to show.
Try not to let those opportunities pass you by. Try to capture those moments forever.
I feel very fortunate to have some (not enough) videos/dvds of my son when he was little. I can play them at any time to remember how absolutely adorable he was. I can hear his sweet little voice saying "mama I love you." I am also very fortunate to have videos/dvds of my parents. Some are of them interacting with my son but others are of them in the older years talking about their past. I wish I had known more questions to ask them. I wish I knew even more about them but I am very thankful to have what I have. Them talking about them in their own words.
Don't let an opportunity pass you by. Ask questions now. Hear what your family has to say in their own words.
When our first born is here we take pictures of every move they make. We record every breathe make or every sound they make. We want to capture every new moment for no other child has every done "whatever" as early or as well as our child. You keep a journal so you can capture things pictures cannot
Then the second or third child comes along and all of those good intentions....well, you take few pictures and record fewer words. You write less or do not even start a journal. It is NOT because you love them less it is because you are probably enjoying each moment more.
The same holds true for family moments. We have the camera right there by your side but you take only a few pictures or you never reach for it. Then you are sorry. But to do fret upon it because you will remember those moments forever.
Then.....that person or those people are no longer around. Your best friend has moved four states away and you may only see her once a year, if you are lucky. Your sibling gets a job 4 hours away and has to move. Yes, you see him more often but you seem to always forget your camera. All of your children have left the nest and things will never be the same. Or your loved one pass away and there will never again be an opportunity to take those pictures. Your trust you will always have those memories but sometimes details fade.
Then you try to tell a story about the time you and whomever did so and so but just telling the story does not do it justice. IF ONLY you had pictures to show.
Try not to let those opportunities pass you by. Try to capture those moments forever.
I feel very fortunate to have some (not enough) videos/dvds of my son when he was little. I can play them at any time to remember how absolutely adorable he was. I can hear his sweet little voice saying "mama I love you." I am also very fortunate to have videos/dvds of my parents. Some are of them interacting with my son but others are of them in the older years talking about their past. I wish I had known more questions to ask them. I wish I knew even more about them but I am very thankful to have what I have. Them talking about them in their own words.
Don't let an opportunity pass you by. Ask questions now. Hear what your family has to say in their own words.
When a door opens it may be time to walk through
When a "door" opens, it may be time to walk through. Or when opportunity knocks........
For several years my dad had been hospitalized. For several years he would have periodic falls (mostly from trying to get in or out of bed) but then the falls been more frequent.
One day I received a call from an EMS worker who had just left my parents' house. This was the second or third time he, himself, had answered a call to help my dad. Each time dad was okay and did not have to go to the hospital but they had to help him get back into bed (mom was not able to help him by herself). He was a bit bruised but otherwise okay. The man told me about the frequency of the calls and suggested to me that perhaps it was time my parents move to an assisted living.
I had been so resistant to this idea. I knew how my parents' felt about staying at home. They were private and proud people and did not want to leave their home.
I confess that I was also afraid of what my dad my do. I do not know if he was joking or not, as he had a weird sense of humor, but there had been times over the years that he said he would rather commit suicide than go to a home. I am a very sensitive person and I took those words to heart. I did not want to believe that he could or would ever do such a thing but the fear still lingered.
I did however, muster up the courage to bring up the subject with my parents. Like my dad, writing comes easily to me (it is a passion of mine). I am a very emotional person and I was not sure that I would be able to say everything to them unless I wrote it out first. So I did. I wrote a long letter to them explained firstly how much I love them and then the reasoning behind the suggestion.
Surprisingly my dad was open to the idea that perhaps someday that might have to move. (Notice all of the "maybe" type words). Even though they were not ready then, at least dad was open to the idea. Mom was more resistant but we did schedule a visit to a nearby assisted living home.
The visit went well but neither was ready to move yet. They still wanted to stay at their home. So that was it for then. At least the door had been opened - discussions had and a visit made - and we all walked through.
NOTE: a short time later there was a small fire at my parents' house. My mom put it out but she did not call 911. Although the fire was successfully put out, it might not have been. It easily could have reignited and then disaster would have been eminent. There would have been no way either of them would have been able to get out on their own and I am not sure help would have arrived on time. When I saw the damage that was done (the wood floor, and wall were burned - blackened - and a chair was charred. One set of curtains were destroyed) I became even more alarmed and afraid of what could have happened. It was at that moment that I realized the time had come - Mom and Dad had to move into the assisted living ASAP. They could no longer safely live at home and be left alone without someone nearby (within earshot).
I had to tell my parents that the time had come. I called that assisted living that day and surprisingly a room for the two of them had just become available. By that Wednesday, the move in.
For several years my dad had been hospitalized. For several years he would have periodic falls (mostly from trying to get in or out of bed) but then the falls been more frequent.
One day I received a call from an EMS worker who had just left my parents' house. This was the second or third time he, himself, had answered a call to help my dad. Each time dad was okay and did not have to go to the hospital but they had to help him get back into bed (mom was not able to help him by herself). He was a bit bruised but otherwise okay. The man told me about the frequency of the calls and suggested to me that perhaps it was time my parents move to an assisted living.
I had been so resistant to this idea. I knew how my parents' felt about staying at home. They were private and proud people and did not want to leave their home.
I confess that I was also afraid of what my dad my do. I do not know if he was joking or not, as he had a weird sense of humor, but there had been times over the years that he said he would rather commit suicide than go to a home. I am a very sensitive person and I took those words to heart. I did not want to believe that he could or would ever do such a thing but the fear still lingered.
I did however, muster up the courage to bring up the subject with my parents. Like my dad, writing comes easily to me (it is a passion of mine). I am a very emotional person and I was not sure that I would be able to say everything to them unless I wrote it out first. So I did. I wrote a long letter to them explained firstly how much I love them and then the reasoning behind the suggestion.
Surprisingly my dad was open to the idea that perhaps someday that might have to move. (Notice all of the "maybe" type words). Even though they were not ready then, at least dad was open to the idea. Mom was more resistant but we did schedule a visit to a nearby assisted living home.
The visit went well but neither was ready to move yet. They still wanted to stay at their home. So that was it for then. At least the door had been opened - discussions had and a visit made - and we all walked through.
NOTE: a short time later there was a small fire at my parents' house. My mom put it out but she did not call 911. Although the fire was successfully put out, it might not have been. It easily could have reignited and then disaster would have been eminent. There would have been no way either of them would have been able to get out on their own and I am not sure help would have arrived on time. When I saw the damage that was done (the wood floor, and wall were burned - blackened - and a chair was charred. One set of curtains were destroyed) I became even more alarmed and afraid of what could have happened. It was at that moment that I realized the time had come - Mom and Dad had to move into the assisted living ASAP. They could no longer safely live at home and be left alone without someone nearby (within earshot).
I had to tell my parents that the time had come. I called that assisted living that day and surprisingly a room for the two of them had just become available. By that Wednesday, the move in.
DO ask for help - DO NOT try to do it all yourself
I learned late that I needed to actually ask for help more often. I tried to do too much myself and ended up sacrificing when perhaps I may not have had to do so.
From time to time I would ask for advice and I did frequently discuss things with my brother (who lives in another state) but as far as asking for active help, I was not good about doing that. There were a few times that I realized I could not do it all but in hindsight, not enough times.
I will never forget a time when I did ask for help. My dad was in the hospital for the second time within a week. I felt like I was not getting the answers I needed regarding my dad's care (my mom was not doing very well herself and she was at the assisted living) and prognosis so I called my uncle (my dad's younger brother). I asked him if he would meet me at the hospital and talk to the doctors with me.
I arrived at the hospital first. I walked into my dad's room. His eyes were rolled back into his head. It was painful to see so I left the room crying. A nurse led me into a consultation room to wait for my uncle.
When my uncle arrived a doctor came in to talk to us. We asked him questions about how my dad was doing (do not remember details), about his prognosis (uncertain) and what the next step might be. At that moment, I still believed that he was either going to return to the assisted living to be with my mom or be transferred to a rehab facility to regain his strength.
A little bit later my cousin came into the room. She saw the doctor and ask him what it meant when someone was in V-Tach. The doctor ran out of the room then into my dad's room. A few short moments later the doctor told us we needed to go into my dad's room.
My dad had passed away. I saw him twitch a little and I had a glimmer of hope that he was not gone but I was wrong. Dad had passed away on November 9, 2005.
There must have been a reason I had asked my uncle for help that day. It was so that he would be there when I needed him right after the passing of my dad (his brother).
That day I had not been afraid to ask for help and I am so grateful I did. I am so thankful that I did not have to go through that moment alone. My uncle and my cousin were there to comfort me.
From time to time I would ask for advice and I did frequently discuss things with my brother (who lives in another state) but as far as asking for active help, I was not good about doing that. There were a few times that I realized I could not do it all but in hindsight, not enough times.
I will never forget a time when I did ask for help. My dad was in the hospital for the second time within a week. I felt like I was not getting the answers I needed regarding my dad's care (my mom was not doing very well herself and she was at the assisted living) and prognosis so I called my uncle (my dad's younger brother). I asked him if he would meet me at the hospital and talk to the doctors with me.
I arrived at the hospital first. I walked into my dad's room. His eyes were rolled back into his head. It was painful to see so I left the room crying. A nurse led me into a consultation room to wait for my uncle.
When my uncle arrived a doctor came in to talk to us. We asked him questions about how my dad was doing (do not remember details), about his prognosis (uncertain) and what the next step might be. At that moment, I still believed that he was either going to return to the assisted living to be with my mom or be transferred to a rehab facility to regain his strength.
A little bit later my cousin came into the room. She saw the doctor and ask him what it meant when someone was in V-Tach. The doctor ran out of the room then into my dad's room. A few short moments later the doctor told us we needed to go into my dad's room.
My dad had passed away. I saw him twitch a little and I had a glimmer of hope that he was not gone but I was wrong. Dad had passed away on November 9, 2005.
There must have been a reason I had asked my uncle for help that day. It was so that he would be there when I needed him right after the passing of my dad (his brother).
That day I had not been afraid to ask for help and I am so grateful I did. I am so thankful that I did not have to go through that moment alone. My uncle and my cousin were there to comfort me.
You do not have to be the bad guy
You do not always have to be the bad guy when making decisions about, for or with your parents. There are times when an outsider may be better suited to speak with your parents about a particular subject or change.
The outsider needs to be someone that you and your parents like and respect. This person may be a physician, a minister, a family friend, etc.
There are times when you might be uncomfortable discussing something with your parents. You may get too emotional (cry or yell) or you might not be able to explain the why's or why not's.
The outsider needs to be someone that you and your parents like and respect. This person may be a physician, a minister, a family friend, etc.
There are times when you might be uncomfortable discussing something with your parents. You may get too emotional (cry or yell) or you might not be able to explain the why's or why not's.
Choosing the Right Help
When the time came that my parents needed more care the objective was still to keep them TOGETHER in THEIR home.
I had a list of requirements the caregiver needed to have as well as what was needed to be done for my parents. They needed someone who was strong but caring and nurturing.
Once the decision is made to hire someone, be sure to pop in unexpectedly to see how everyone is doing. Our your parents' needs being met and are they happy. Observe how everyone is interacting.
I had a list of requirements the caregiver needed to have as well as what was needed to be done for my parents. They needed someone who was strong but caring and nurturing.
Once the decision is made to hire someone, be sure to pop in unexpectedly to see how everyone is doing. Our your parents' needs being met and are they happy. Observe how everyone is interacting.
Maintaining Independence
Most every adult wants to be or at least feel independent. This is especially true when we get older. In an ideal and perfect world (like in our dreams or perhaps in an old episode of FATHER KNOWS BEST or the DONNA REED SHOW - I know....I am dating myself.) we would all grow old not only gracefully but without pain, bad health or anything. And, when it was our time "to go" we would simply go to "sleep" and go off to heaven. But, alas, we do not live in a perfect world.
Growing older means (possibly) dealing with new challenges and perhaps facing situations we never dreamed and/or do not want to face.
We, as the child, of an aging parent(s) need to be sensitive to where they were, where they, where they hope to be and where they will or might be. We need to remember when we were teenagers (well our parents told us all of those years up to our teen years but once we became teens suddenly parents sometimes became the "enemy") and our parents told us what we could and could not do. There were times we did not like it (and them) and times we did or wanted to rebel. Well, our aging parents sometimes have similar feelings.
We need to take THEIR feelings into consideration when making decisions WITH (for) them. Whenever possible make decisions WITH them; with THEIR input. Or at least let them feel you are. There might be times when YOU clearly have to make THEIR decisions for them but try not to make them feel anything less than good.
The ideal goal is to keep your parents at home as long as possible if not forever (until their passing). Sometimes this is possible with some modifications and sometimes it is not or it is possible but not as a permanent solution.
Along with your parents and your local Geriatric Clinic, if available, evaluate your parents living environment. (NOTE: we were extremely lucky to have the caring support from the Geriatric Clinic at UNC.) Evaluations should include several aspects: Can they move around the house easily without obstacles? If there are obstacles, can they be eliminated or improved? Can they easily get in and out of the house? their bed? the shower/tub? the car? etc.? Can motivations be made? Are necessary items easily accessible? - such as foods in the refrig., freezer, cabinets, etc.? Can those items be moved up higher or lower OR moved to another location? Think about way to help keep your parents as independent and as safe as possible. Remember when your baby was beginning to crawl or walk and you got down on their level to see what needed to be moved or locked up? Well, this is similar. Try to put yourself in their place.
Examples of modifications made for my parents: My brother bought some metal bars and bent them to go under the mattress (between the mattress and boxspring) to be used as grab bars to help our parents get in and out of bed. This was so helpful. He removed or modified door jams to allow a walker, wheelchair or cane to be used to get from one remove to another. Grab bars were installed in the shower/tub and near the toilets. A rolling cart with shelves was placed in the keep to include things needed for every day or frequent use - medications (Note: using a weekly medicine storage keeper helps to insure that the proper medication at the proper dosage is being taken at the proper time on the proper date. The container needs to be filled once a week.); mail; stationery, stamps, pens, etc....... On their cart, they had their pill bottles in basket (easily accessible when it was time to refill the weekly medicine keeper) on one shelve; stationery, etc. on another; an extra box of tissues on another. They were able to sit at the kitchen table a pull the cart closer to them when needed and easily pushed back out of the way when not needed.
I will probably remember more modifications later on but these are a few that helped my parents remain a bit more independent for a bit longer while maintaining their pride. They had some CONTROL over their lives.
Growing older means (possibly) dealing with new challenges and perhaps facing situations we never dreamed and/or do not want to face.
We, as the child, of an aging parent(s) need to be sensitive to where they were, where they, where they hope to be and where they will or might be. We need to remember when we were teenagers (well our parents told us all of those years up to our teen years but once we became teens suddenly parents sometimes became the "enemy") and our parents told us what we could and could not do. There were times we did not like it (and them) and times we did or wanted to rebel. Well, our aging parents sometimes have similar feelings.
We need to take THEIR feelings into consideration when making decisions WITH (for) them. Whenever possible make decisions WITH them; with THEIR input. Or at least let them feel you are. There might be times when YOU clearly have to make THEIR decisions for them but try not to make them feel anything less than good.
The ideal goal is to keep your parents at home as long as possible if not forever (until their passing). Sometimes this is possible with some modifications and sometimes it is not or it is possible but not as a permanent solution.
Along with your parents and your local Geriatric Clinic, if available, evaluate your parents living environment. (NOTE: we were extremely lucky to have the caring support from the Geriatric Clinic at UNC.) Evaluations should include several aspects: Can they move around the house easily without obstacles? If there are obstacles, can they be eliminated or improved? Can they easily get in and out of the house? their bed? the shower/tub? the car? etc.? Can motivations be made? Are necessary items easily accessible? - such as foods in the refrig., freezer, cabinets, etc.? Can those items be moved up higher or lower OR moved to another location? Think about way to help keep your parents as independent and as safe as possible. Remember when your baby was beginning to crawl or walk and you got down on their level to see what needed to be moved or locked up? Well, this is similar. Try to put yourself in their place.
Examples of modifications made for my parents: My brother bought some metal bars and bent them to go under the mattress (between the mattress and boxspring) to be used as grab bars to help our parents get in and out of bed. This was so helpful. He removed or modified door jams to allow a walker, wheelchair or cane to be used to get from one remove to another. Grab bars were installed in the shower/tub and near the toilets. A rolling cart with shelves was placed in the keep to include things needed for every day or frequent use - medications (Note: using a weekly medicine storage keeper helps to insure that the proper medication at the proper dosage is being taken at the proper time on the proper date. The container needs to be filled once a week.); mail; stationery, stamps, pens, etc....... On their cart, they had their pill bottles in basket (easily accessible when it was time to refill the weekly medicine keeper) on one shelve; stationery, etc. on another; an extra box of tissues on another. They were able to sit at the kitchen table a pull the cart closer to them when needed and easily pushed back out of the way when not needed.
I will probably remember more modifications later on but these are a few that helped my parents remain a bit more independent for a bit longer while maintaining their pride. They had some CONTROL over their lives.
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